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A monk with a smartphone

wontstaydown

Yay! Something good!

Who doesn’t love something good? Good song, good talk, good sex, good day, good laugh…good shit is good. So when you find something good you’ve really, really wanted, you enjoy it and do what it takes to keep it, right?

Wrong.

Well, wrong if you’re like me and have no idea what to do with good things. Me with a good thing is what I imagine a Buddhist monk is like with a smart phone.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!!

So here comes a challenge. It’s funny how the things we develop to protect us at certain points in our lives later can be the walls that keep us from everything we want. Defense mechanisms exist for a reason…usually early in life, something is happening around us that is too painful or traumatic or confusing to process, so our mind protects itself. The child who is trying to survive in a chaotic alcoholic home learns to detach and retreat into themselves. The teen who lacks a parental role model begins to emulate the gang members around him. The young girl whose parents are constantly battling one another and ignoring her existence overcompensates every aspect of her life trying to gain notice and acceptance. These things are meant as a way to protect us. Make us feel better. Comfort us. But they grow. They mutate. They turn into big, hungry, demanding beasts that push us into making choices we don’t realize we are making, or do realize and don’t want to, but find ourselves helpless. Suddenly, you realize that you are a puppet to your past and your strings are being yanked and pulled away from the things you so desperately want from life.

We all have things like this to a degree. Some of us are worse than others. Some of us see our flaws, and some don’t. Some of us want to change, some are content with the behaviors and their consequences.

I have never been shy about the things I’ve lived through or the ways I have to fight with myself to move forward. I probably tell everyone far too much, and I know that. But I say these things and share these experiences because I know that there are others out there quietly hurting. Silently wishing they could be different…be better. Wishing for the strength to beat their situation. To not follow their parents footsteps, or continue to fail at relationships, or be a doormat, or overcome their temper. Whatever it is. So I over-disclose for this simple reason: I cannot undo what has happened to me, nor can I stop the things I struggle with (not yet, anyway)…but I CAN control whether I take that and use it for something good. And to me something good is someone out there feeling a little better because they see themselves in some little part of something I say and find comfort in it. Or hope. Or strength. Or motivation to make a change.

Anyway…back to what I was saying. My defenses are pretty glaringly obvious and I have them for reasons anyone who knows me is aware of by now. I was the girl who overcompensated as a child and became a tiny adult and a fixer because her mother was emotionally unable to pay her any love or affection. I am the girl who does not trust people to do what they say they will do, because she was constantly let down. I am the girl with a HUGE fear of rejection and abandonment because the one person who was supposed to love her and be there no matter what, lost her battle and chose to end her life in what felt like the biggest rejection and abandonment of all time. I am the girl who put herself in the way of too many men who were manipulators and alcoholics and users and now constantly looks for warning signs and secret agendas and tricks.

I am also the girl who is fighting hard to have good things in her life…and they are actually beginning to happen.  So here is where things get tricky. Where is that middle ground? How do you trust in a process when the unknown has always caused you immense anxiety? How do you “let it be” when feeling out of control is one of your biggest barriers? How do you act like a normal person WHEN YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING NORMAL PERSON AT ALL?

As it stands, I have no idea. What I do know is that it is not productive to bring your old bullshit to the party. A also know that that’s FAR easier said than done. Again…these tools we’ve picked up, we did for a reason. But you don’t need use a hammer to paint a picture or use a screwdriver to straighten your hair. The time has come in my life when I have to believe that what I am doing is right, what I need will come, and whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. I cannot continue to use my old ways of thinking to try and get new results. I cannot let my old, tired insecurities and self-doubts continue to guide my course and expect to end up at a beautiful new destination. I know that I will only steal from myself if I allow my fears and anxieties to overtake the magic of new beginnings.

I am not afraid to tell you all that I am terrified of a lot of things. I am terrified of everything from spiders to having my heart broken. And sometimes I am terrified the old Jessie will shit on the good things that new Jessie has. But if I have learned one thing, I have learned that I am resilient. That even though more times than I care to think about, my internal monologue is pretty awful and unforgiving, I’ve succeeded. I’ve beat things I thought I couldn’t. I made a conscious decision to break my family’s cycle of addiction before it consumed myself…and also my son. And breaking free from active addiction is all about changing behaviors. Learning your triggers and taking their magic away. Replacing old bad habits with new healthy ones.

So there is nothing now that says I can’t fix what’s broken…except me.

We are constantly getting in our own way. Making problems where there were none, worrying about things we have zero control over, stressing about what’s already said and done. We forget that although we are powerless over many things in life, we ALWAYS possess the power and the ability and the strength to change our lives from the inside out. It really does start with you. If your past hurt you, that sucks. It really, really does….trust me, I get it a thousand percent. But YOU are the one who lets it continue to hurt you. YOU are the one who lets it come slithering into your life like some douchey guy at a bar. Tell that guy to fuck off. You don’t want him to buy you a drink or give you his number….It’s always the same shit with that guy.

Leave it behind. Enjoy your good shit.

143

Jessie

 

regain

wontstaydown
You hold on tight
To the very thing
That tears you up
Yet still you cling
Without it there
The pain too real
Your thoughts will race
Too much you’ll feel
You fight the world
You fight yourself
You put your dreams
On the back shelf
There is nothing else
But chasing a high
Comfort in numbness
Cloaked in a lie
Your demons grow
They call the shots
Your personality gone
Potential rots
And all the while
You refuse to see
That you can’t win
“It won’t happen to me”
“I can stop anytime”
“I won’t stoop that low”
“At least THAT’S not me”
“No one will know”
And the lies pile up
Rationalize it all
Victim of the pride
Before the fall
It’s hunger grows
You feed it more
Lie, steal, cheat
A slave is born
You’re at it’s every
Greedy whim
Head going under
Trying to swim
One of two roads
Lie up ahead
You change your ways
Or you end up dead
Neither is easy
They both demand work
But one will bring joy
That is borne of the hurt
One a desperate existence
That will suck you dry
A broken spirit
Often wishing to die
The other a struggle
But a miracle too
Grab that glimmer of hope
And let it pull you through
To the other side
Of the fear and the pain
What you lost and more
You will regain

Action trumps all.

wontstaydown

You will never be able to simply TALK something you want into existence.

You cannot research something into reality.

You cannot wish quietly day after day until the wish just spontaneously comes to be.

The only path to your dreams is the path of action

Sometimes action means taking risks—financially, emotionally, physically. It can mean risking a heartbreak, jeopardizing a relationship, losing your savings, looking stupid, or not looking anything at all and going completely unnoticed.

You will face criticism along the way, often in direct proportion to how far out you are sticking your neck to achieve your goal. Most of this criticism will come from people who are angry because they are too lazy or scared or stuck to go after their OWN dreams, and so they comfort themselves by tearing down anyone who is out there making things happen. Pay no mind to these people. They do not need your anger, or your defensiveness. They already live in their own self-imposed punishment every day. People like this love nothing more than to try to dull other people’s shine so that they do not feel alone in their underachieving ways. They take no responsibility for their part in their own stagnation. They are not supportive at best and highly, highly toxic at worst. Simply step around them.

Your fears will lie to you. They will say things like

“You aren’t good enough at that.”

“There’s too many other people out there who are better than you.”

“You’re gonna look like an idiot.”

“What if you fail?!”

“It’s too big of a risk, just be happy with where you are.”

I don’t encourage foolish, impulsive, reckless, self-defeating action. However, if your heart is screaming at you to do something…

Stop ignoring that. Stop allowing it to be batted down before you ever even try. Stop telling yourself it’s too far away

My journey to sobriety began with telling my dad I needed help.

My fitness journey began with walking into a gym, being confused as fuck for one day, and then hiring a trainer.

My career began with finding an internship and believing I had what it took to do it.

TAKE A GODDAMN STEP.

If you spend every day at your office job daydreaming about your childhood dream of being a vet tech…look up some classes.

If you roll over every night to face away from a person who hurts you that you stay with out of fear of being alone…call a therapist. Find a hobby. Start looking for what is missing inside you that makes you desperately need another person to feel ok.

If you can’t fall asleep at night or function in a social situation without getting half wasted, or you can’t stop eating painkillers to get through your day…..acknowledge it’s a problem and call a fucking treatment center.

If you hate your body and eat too much or don’t eat at all when you get anxious and then get anxious about how you look and cry when you try on clothes…get to the gym and sign up. Talk to your doctor or a dietitian about how to eat the right way for your health.

If you have a friend or family member you fell out with and it hurts you every day to be without them…PICK UP THE PHONE AND DO YOUR PART TO FIX IT.

Almost any of the situations we remain paralyzed in, we do so because of fear or pride. We fear things like rejection, failure, and the unknown. Pride holds us fast in resentment and unwillingness to change.

As you grow older, and you start to face realities, especially losses, you may start to develop a sense of urgency. You start to realize that if you do not go for it, you will never have it. And that the time you have to do so is not only very short, but it is not guaranteed. Sadly, most will do nothing with this realization except let it cause them regret and anxiety.

We all laughed and rolled our eyes at “YOLO”.

But shit, maybe those kids were onto something.
Because honestly…. you only get one life. There is only one you. There is only so much time that the world will get to experience your unique set of gifts and traits for. Don’t waste that away in mediocrity and fear of what you don’t know.

Get out there and make it happen.  OWN that shit. If you fall…laugh, cry a little if you have to, then get up and brush it off. Next time, you might fall again. But you’ll land a little better. And getting back up will be easier. Do that 178 times if you have to. You’ll learn so much more about life and yourself by failing a million times then by sitting in your couch reading articles on your smartphone about what you WISH you were doing. You have everything you need right there inside of you to be the person you want to be. But you gotta get up and MOVE.

Don’t talk about it. Don’t dream about it. LIVE IT.

143

Start Here!

wontstaydown

Fighter

You can change your job

Change your address

You can dye your hair

And buy a new dress

You can hide in a bottle

Or a bag or a line

The opposite sex

A distraction so fine

But wherever you go,

There you are, so they say

So you don’t fix the pain

Just make it delay

Til the high wears off

Or the dress doesn’t fit

Or the new town still sucks

Relationship goes to shit

These escapes do no good

The pain is still there

So now you get mad

Because your life’s not fair

And you fight with yourself

As you sit all alone

And you feel the discomfort

Straight down to the bone

So you’re back where you started

And now you must choose

Run back to your quick fix

Sex shoes or booze

Or your phone or a drug

Another scenery change?

Maybe bet on some horses

This shit’s all the same

You can run all you want

Run fast and run far

But remember that thing that they say-

There you are

So when it comes back

And it wells up inside

And you get to make that choice

And your brain screams to hide

It is in that very moment

You must stop in your tracks

You turn and you face it

You take control back

Your thoughts are not facts

They’re just things in your head

They may hurt or scare you

But they won’t leave you dead

And that first time you choose

Not to run away screaming

That one small decision

Is so full of meaning

It means you are not a victim

Of your circumstances or thoughts

It means you can learn

If willing to be taught

It means you are exactly as strong

As you believe that you are

It means if you get out of your way

You’ll go so very far

Don’t run from the feelings

That scare you the most

If you sit with them calmly

They’ll fade just like ghosts

And each time you stand and face down that pain

Helplessness fades

And confidence gains

Until one day you wake up

And you sense that shift

Your feet are now planted

No longer adrift

And it’s not because there aren’t

Still bumps in the road

The bad days still come

With their heavy load

But it’s different now

Because you finally believe

That the fighter within you

Was meant to succeed

 

J. M.