An Open Letter to the Parent I lost to Suicide

I want you to know I forgive you. 

I wish you would have done the same. 

I’m crying again. I am crying because of the time I lost with you, and I’m crying because of the time I spent with you. I know you don’t want to make me cry. I know you cried enough for us both. 

I think a lot about who you were. Not as a parent, but as a person. What it would have been like to know you before the darkness swallowed you. I wonder what it was like to be your friend, to gossip and laugh with you. I wonder what made you laugh til your cheeks hurt. I wish you were here to tell me about those things. 

The big days have come and gone without you here. Graduations, weddings, babies, first homes, divorce. Life and time marched on, as they do. But you are frozen in time in my pictures. Smiling with me in your arms by the ocean. Holding my sister as she giggles up at you. Sitting at the kitchen table, midway through a joke I’ll never hear. Everyone says you were really funny. I wish I could remember more of that part of you. I would hold it so tight to my heart. I hold so tight to the little things I have left in my mind. I try to let go of the pain…but no matter how much I let go—it holds onto me. You were supposed to be there. When my own days grew dark..you were supposed to be there. And when I crawled out of that darkness that almost swallowed me too…you were supposed to be there.
People tell me you can see me. They tell me you are always with me. But you aren’t. You’re gone. I know they mean well. But you are gone. 

Questions, I must have asked a million. Or maybe I just asked the same one a million times. How many times can you ask “why?” in 19 years? I don’t know. Sometimes I can’t tell how I feel about you. Sometimes I can. Sometimes it’s grief. Sometimes it’s fury. Sometimes it’s pity. Maybe the worst thing I ever felt was the same. The worst was when I felt what I imagine you felt—like a burden. 

Your pain was scary to me. I didn’t know what it was when I was small, but it was always around you. It was always in the air. Some days were better. I wish there were more of those. I wish it for both of our sake. But you were not a burden. If you hear nothing else of all the whispered words and tear-filled screams and letters you would never get to read, I hope that makes it to you. 

I don’t know anymore which words are heavier…the ones I said, or the ones I’ll never get to say. 

I don’t know which pain is deeper…the loss of your life, or the loss of you I had to watch before your death. 

I don’t know which part of my heart breaks more…the one for you, or the one for who you could have been. 

I don’t know much, I guess. That dirty, whispered word. 

SUICIDE. 

It is shrouded with unknown. With stigma, with confusion, and with grief unlike and other.

I can never hear it now without my mind jerking abruptly to you, and to the mountain of pain it evokes. I used to fight with people and get really upset when they didn’t understand. Now I let it go. I know that’s not the part that matters. 

I know I said I asked a million questions, but one thing will never be a question. 

I love you. Even when I hate you…I love you. 

I love you by the ocean and at the kitchen table and holding my sister and decorating the tree. I love you in your cut off shorts, I love you when you cried and seemed like a lost child in a grown-up body, I love you for all the times that you didn’t love you. 

I will be here, appreciating the pain that allows me to more fully appreciate joy. 

I will be here, talking about you in an honest way, whether people like it or not. 

I will be here, making the best of a broken heart. 

I will be here, doing my best, just like I know you would have wanted.  

I’m not crying anymore. I know you didn’t want to make me cry.

I wish I didn’t have to write this letter.

Confused Grief: A Letter to the Children of Addiction

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Confused Grief: A Letter to the Children of Addiction

Sometimes you lose someone and it breaks your heart in a way you didn’t even know was possible because you loved them so.

Sometimes you lose someone and it leaves you angry, bitter and and resentful because they hurt you and you can never tell them.

Sometimes you lose someone and you are overwhelmed with genuine empathy for the internal battlefield that they long fought and ultimately died on.

Sometimes you lose someone and you seethe with quiet rage that they didn’t try harder to pull out of that battle instead of martyring themselves to their own self destruction before your very eyes.

Sometimes you lose someone and you don’t know how you will ever go on without hearing their laugh again.

Sometimes you lose someone and you find yourself having secret moments of something like relief that the category 5 hurricane of pain that surrounded them has gone out to sea.

And sometimes…. it is all the same person.

The years I spent vascillating between cowering, raging, checking out, and pleading for love depending on the state she was in piled on my little shoulders and then as an adult found me broken, alcoholic, anxious, depressed, codependent, addicted to a list of substances, and with no identity of my own.

Her alcoholism didn’t just destroy her. It destroyed me as well. I’m sure you could argue with me that I am not destroyed, and today, I would agree. But there were years and years of my life that I very much felt and behaved as if I were.

Nobody told me how exhausting grieving my mother was going to be. Not because no one told me that it would hurt, I knew that, but because the feelings I had surrounding her were so conflicted, so torn, and that only magnified a million-fold with the explosion that was the news of her self-inflicted death.

So how do I grieve the person who hurt me the most?

How can I miss someone and wish they were here, but at the exact same time, know that her actions almost destroyed me and that if she had lived longer, it may have been enough to drive my own trauma to sentence me to death too?

How is it that I understand with heartfelt, honest compassion and empathy what happened to her and why but also allow myself the anger I have a right to over the childhood that was stolen from me?

How is it that I can genuinely forgive her for the years of abandonment and rejection knowing she was sick and but still have a piece of myself that knows that she could have tried harder and gotten better just like so many others have?

How can I tell myself one second that she did the best she could with what she had and then immediately have the thought that she absolutely did not or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this and she wouldn’t be dead?

How in god’s name do I rectify the fact that in that last moment before she took her own life, she thought of us and still went through with it…or didn’t think of us at all? But then still realize that I cannot try to gauge anything of any great importance based on the moment she was most out of her mind?

These questions aren’t what wreck my soul on some days. It was my own experience with my own addiction and self-destruction that gave me an all too up close and personal look at the darkness she lived with. It made me forgive her in a way that nothing she could have ever said to me would have. But the turmoil of the mutually exclusive is the cross I am now left bearing.

I truly believe that my purpose is to use the awful things I went through to bring a sense of understanding and hope to others who share similar struggles. But how do I speak out about the emotional abuse and neglect that an addicted parent inevitably doles out without telling on her? Without at times almost vilifying her? To many, especially those who don’t understand the disease of addiction, she will appear to be something that I don’t want her to be seen as. But what if that is the truth? Is it all she was? No. But was it for many years? Yeah. So….. what? What do I do with it? What if the information and the experience could help people? But shouldn’t I just let her rest? Am I NOT letting her rest by telling my own story honestly? Do I try to find a way to explain it and relate it without expressing what it was? Isn’t that a lie? Isn’t me censoring the ugly only further validating the exact shame that I am trying to alleviate some of for children of addicts, people with childhood trauma, addiction, and mental illness?

What the FUCK do I do with all of it?

Most days, I do nothing. Those are good days. And thankfully, after many years of handling it wrong, and then these last few handling it right, those days have turned into the large majority. They used to be about non-existent. What I used to do was everything I shouldn’t have. Drink. Use. Hate myself. Abandon myself. Act out. Self-injure. Cling to toxic people. Self-destruct. And I am grateful in a way you can never know that that part is over. But there are times when a song, a smell, a picture, a person, a memory…they send me straight down the rabbit hole of opposing interpretations and feelings I can’t make any sense of.

Because you can’t make any sense of something that is constantly moving and shifting.

There are times I wonder if I am doing something horribly wrong by talking candidly about what it was like to grow up with her in the full grips of her addiction. I fear being viewed as seeking attention, pity, or validation. The honest truth is that there was a time in my life that I did just that. I fear that the people who loved her who are still in my life will look down on me for it for discussing it, or will flat out disbelieve me because they only knew her as the pieces of her they experienced. And god, do I envy them for that. I wish I had gotten to experience more of those pieces. Even as I write this, I am plagued with self-censorship. But in those moments I stop and remind myself of the fact that I know my motives. I know that although there will for sure be those who think that’s why I talk about it, this isn’t for them. They don’t matter. I’m not saying this for them, or for me. I am saying it for the people who write me heartfelt emails, comments, and messages telling me that my words brought them a moment of comfort for the pieces of them that hurt the most, the pieces that they have often spent years hiding and hating. And as far as the people who loved my mother who find it hard to hear these things about her, I emphasize, and I welcome them to bring me their happy memories of her. I treasure those stories, even if they break my heart a tiny bit.

So how do I grieve her and at the same time, grieve my non-existent childhood?

I don’t have a real answer for that. That’s why I’m writing this. This has been one of the most stop and go and delete and re-write things I have written in a long time because I don’t even know how to express something so confusing. But I’m writing it because I know that I can’t be the only one who finds that aftermath of the sharpest grief is this deep seated internal conflict.

If you are reading this, and you have lost a parent to addiction or suicide, I am sending you every ounce of love and strength I have. I want you to know that I know how hard it may have been for you to navigate life with the traits and defenses you developed, because I too developed those things. I want you to know that I too left a trail of failed and unhealthy relationships. I too self-medicated and drank way too much. I too blamed myself for not only the way my parent treated me, but for anything and everything that I was. I too hated myself.

But I want you to know something else.

IT. WASN’T. YOU.

There was nothing you could have done better. It was bigger than you, and them. It’s bigger than all of us.

I am, with every inch of my heart, so sorry for the things you lost, the things you missed, the things you needed and never got. I am so sorry you always came second to their alcohol, their drugs, or their mental illness. I’m so sorry for the broken heart that was handed off to you, without any choice in the matter.

The last thing I want to say is this..

It will never, ever be ok. Things like this are SO far from ok, it’s a ridiculous thing that anyone would ever offer that sentiment as a form of comfort. BUT….YOU can be ok in spite of it. You can become someone who breaks a cycle. You can make peace with the confusion and accept it as something that will always be there, but no longer rules you. You can have a life you long doubted possible if you can begin to heal yourself. I don’t say that just because it sounds nice, I say it because I did it. It’s real. You possess the ability to find it in yourself to understand that while some things are so innately and horribly dark there can be no finding good in them, BUT that you can create something light. And if the only thing you ever do with it is find the patience and strength to forgive yourself for all of the shitty behaviors you learned along the way, and then you CHANGE those behaviors, well…then you’ve done a whole fucking lot. Because hurt people hurt people, and sometimes sick people hurt people, and sometimes people are so hurt and so sick that they leave a giant impression of pain that radiates out in waves of destruction that go on for years and decades to come.

So when you refuse to be what the world tried to turn you into, you absolutely and unequivocally change the world.

In my book, that makes you a superhero.

Action trumps all.

You will never be able to simply TALK something you want into existence.

You cannot research something into reality.

You cannot wish quietly day after day until the wish just spontaneously comes to be.

The only path to your dreams is the path of action

Sometimes action means taking risks—financially, emotionally, physically. It can mean risking a heartbreak, jeopardizing a relationship, losing your savings, looking stupid, or not looking anything at all and going completely unnoticed.

You will face criticism along the way, often in direct proportion to how far out you are sticking your neck to achieve your goal. Most of this criticism will come from people who are angry because they are too lazy or scared or stuck to go after their OWN dreams, and so they comfort themselves by tearing down anyone who is out there making things happen. Pay no mind to these people. They do not need your anger, or your defensiveness. They already live in their own self-imposed punishment every day. People like this love nothing more than to try to dull other people’s shine so that they do not feel alone in their underachieving ways. They take no responsibility for their part in their own stagnation. They are not supportive at best and highly, highly toxic at worst. Simply step around them.

Your fears will lie to you. They will say things like

“You aren’t good enough at that.”

“There’s too many other people out there who are better than you.”

“You’re gonna look like an idiot.”

“What if you fail?!”

“It’s too big of a risk, just be happy with where you are.”

I don’t encourage foolish, impulsive, reckless, self-defeating action. However, if your heart is screaming at you to do something…

Stop ignoring that. Stop allowing it to be batted down before you ever even try. Stop telling yourself it’s too far away

My journey to sobriety began with telling my dad I needed help.

My fitness journey began with walking into a gym, being confused as fuck for one day, and then hiring a trainer.

My career began with finding an internship and believing I had what it took to do it.

TAKE A GODDAMN STEP.

If you spend every day at your office job daydreaming about your childhood dream of being a vet tech…look up some classes.

If you roll over every night to face away from a person who hurts you that you stay with out of fear of being alone…call a therapist. Find a hobby. Start looking for what is missing inside you that makes you desperately need another person to feel ok.

If you can’t fall asleep at night or function in a social situation without getting half wasted, or you can’t stop eating painkillers to get through your day…..acknowledge it’s a problem and call a fucking treatment center.

If you hate your body and eat too much or don’t eat at all when you get anxious and then get anxious about how you look and cry when you try on clothes…get to the gym and sign up. Talk to your doctor or a dietitian about how to eat the right way for your health.

If you have a friend or family member you fell out with and it hurts you every day to be without them…PICK UP THE PHONE AND DO YOUR PART TO FIX IT.

Almost any of the situations we remain paralyzed in, we do so because of fear or pride. We fear things like rejection, failure, and the unknown. Pride holds us fast in resentment and unwillingness to change.

As you grow older, and you start to face realities, especially losses, you may start to develop a sense of urgency. You start to realize that if you do not go for it, you will never have it. And that the time you have to do so is not only very short, but it is not guaranteed. Sadly, most will do nothing with this realization except let it cause them regret and anxiety.

We all laughed and rolled our eyes at “YOLO”.

But shit, maybe those kids were onto something.
Because honestly…. you only get one life. There is only one you. There is only so much time that the world will get to experience your unique set of gifts and traits for. Don’t waste that away in mediocrity and fear of what you don’t know.

Get out there and make it happen.  OWN that shit. If you fall…laugh, cry a little if you have to, then get up and brush it off. Next time, you might fall again. But you’ll land a little better. And getting back up will be easier. Do that 178 times if you have to. You’ll learn so much more about life and yourself by failing a million times then by sitting in your couch reading articles on your smartphone about what you WISH you were doing. You have everything you need right there inside of you to be the person you want to be. But you gotta get up and MOVE.

Don’t talk about it. Don’t dream about it. LIVE IT.

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