You hold on tight
To the very thing
That tears you up
Yet still you cling
Without it there
The pain too real
Your thoughts will race
Too much you’ll feel
You fight the world
You fight yourself
You put your dreams
On the back shelf
There is nothing else
But chasing a high
Comfort in numbness
Cloaked in a lie
Your demons grow
They call the shots
Your personality gone
Potential rots
And all the while
You refuse to see
That you can’t win
“It won’t happen to me”
“I can stop anytime”
“I won’t stoop that low”
“At least THAT’S not me”
“No one will know”
And the lies pile up
Rationalize it all
Victim of the pride
Before the fall
It’s hunger grows
You feed it more
Lie, steal, cheat
A slave is born
You’re at it’s every
Greedy whim
Head going under
Trying to swim
One of two roads
Lie up ahead
You change your ways
Or you end up dead
Neither is easy
They both demand work
But one will bring joy
That is borne of the hurt
One a desperate existence
That will suck you dry
A broken spirit
Often wishing to die
The other a struggle
But a miracle too
Grab that glimmer of hope
And let it pull you through
To the other side
Of the fear and the pain
What you lost and more
You will regain
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Won't Stay Down 
Who r you? It is like I am reading, well, me. You could maybe imagine the toxic, evil, fucking hell I am in. I found you, this website. I m so fucked up I think may burst. My only hope is to see my son through this by his side. I dont have the tools alone, where do ya go, who do ya talk to when “i dont even know what to call him”. But my son called him Dad, fucking hung himself on fucking goddamn christmas day! My son is 13 and I dont know where to start. Relief? Dare i say? I will break this curse, this black cloud, the turmoil of being me. It was me, my fault. I couldnt bare to be used again, lied to again, thrown away like trash again. 16 years of it! Why! I fought for me, our son, to be heard, to matter, to be enough to have even one friend…..
I dont know that a traditional counsellor is gonna cut it. I need a special kind of professional, one who will walk with me thru the trenches and fuckin be a real person too. Until then I have you. This site I can turn to, a stranger who has found words to articulate the chaos in my head, heart, and soul that I never could.
Just venting cause no, Im not fucking fine!
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